It's Not Always Rainbows

Tonight I write this with a heavy heart as I now know without a doubt that I am not pregnant. The IUI's did not work. It hurts to know that I worked all summer to pay for this and it didn't work. I could have had an entire summer off with the same result. But worst of all, it hurts to know that the baby I dreamed was forming...does not exist. I feel such a sense of loss and I'm very very sad. I'm really surprised how hard this is hitting me. I knew the statistics, I knew it would probably take a few times for it to work, but actually going through the emotions is more difficult than I ever imagined. 

Today was hard. I started off in a great mood and thankful it was Friday, and then I went to the bathroom and saw that I started my period. I immediately broke down and went to my friend Charlotte's room and she just held me as I cried my eyes out. Then she started crying, then we both were crying. I can honestly say that I think it was the saddest moment of my life. I somehow grew attached to the thought that I was pregnant. I imagined a tiny identity and as I realized that it wasn't there, I felt so empty. I have a new respect for women that have gone through this many times, and even more for those that have been unsuccessful. I can't even imagine.

When my friend Jeana heard the news, she wanted to spend tonight with me so we had dinner and then did some shopping and came back and watched some of our old favorite tv shows. It wasn't until she left that I felt the raw emotion again. Distraction is a beautiful thing. 

I learned a lot about myself today. I learned that I have amazing friends. So many people care when I break and are willing to put me back together. I am so blessed to have such wonderful loving people in my life. I also learned what the most important thing in my life is: becoming a mother. 

I understand why women give up on this process. It's heartbreaking, emotionally draining and insanely expensive. But then I think of what I would say to my child one day as they come to me wanting to give up on something they really want. I would say to them, "I know you are hurting. I know this is hard. But if you want something this bad, you owe it to yourself not to give up! Feel the hurt, then use it to make you stronger. Work for what you want and when you get it, you will love and cherish it that much more because you understand what it takes to get it." I would hope they would never give up on their dreams. What kind of role model would I be if I did?

So with that said...I will cry more tonight, I will probably cry tomorrow too, but I am not giving up. Tonight, I process and cry my eyes out. Tomorrow, I make a plan to try again. I will not give up on the dream of my sweet baby. I will never give up until tiny fingers are wrapped around mine and my sweet bundle is smiling back at me. I will thank GOD for such a glorious gift of love and I will remember why every tear that I shed to get there was worth every second of heartbreak. I still believe that an unimaginable love is in my future. I will NEVER give up.....