Our Unexpected Beautiful Life

This morning I woke up with a few tears but was glad that I slept well. I think I was so emotionally drained from yesterday that feeling somewhat refreshed was something to be grateful for. I met my mom for lunch and she was extra upbeat and I could tell that was for my benefit. It was very sweet. My sweet dog was extra excited to see me and freaked out when I walked in the door and that made my heart happy for the first time in two days. It really is amazing how much I love that dog. Anyway, we had lunch and discussed finances and a plan to begin next month's IUI's. And can I just say...I have a wonderful mother.  At first she had a hard time with this decision and it really affected our relationship. But in the last few months or so, she has really come around and been exactly what I need. I'm so glad I have her support, it would be so much harder without it. Anyway, we came up with a plan and we're going to make it work for next month! Yay! I'm ready to move forw...

Tonight I write this with a heavy heart as I now know without a doubt that I am not pregnant. The IUI's did not work. It hurts to know that I worked all summer to pay for this and it didn't work. I could have had an entire summer off with the same result. But worst of all, it hurts to know that the baby I dreamed was forming...does not exist. I feel such a sense of loss and I'm very very sad. I'm really surprised how hard this is hitting me. I knew the statistics, I knew it would probably take a few times for it to work, but actually going through the emotions is more difficult than I ever imagined.  Today was hard. I started off in a great mood and thankful it was Friday, and then I went to the bathroom and saw that I started my period. I immediately broke down and went to my friend Charlotte's room and she just held me as I cried my eyes out. Then she started crying, then we both were crying. I can honestly say that I think it was the saddest moment of my life. I ...

Well, it's happened. I'm psycho. All week I've been keeping pretty busy and trying not to think about the big "test" coming up and then today on the way to work, I started thinking of a negative result and I started bawling. We're talking eye liner smearing, can't stop, "Wow what's wrong with her" kind of bawling. Then I was instantly fine. I later went about my day in a great mood, then got mad about something tonight then started uncontrollably crying because I feel bitchy, which is something I perceive as PMS coming on. It does feel like PMS in the sense that I'm over emotional and get mad at stuff I normally wouldn't. The great mood in between doesn't really fit, though. Usually when I PMS, I'm consistently a bitch. I am convinced it's PMS and gearing up for a negative pregnancy test. I cried A LOT tonight. It's just really hard. Some of my besties called me and were wonderful and were there for me. It's grea...

When choosing a pregnancy test, I look for a couple things. First of all, I want it to tell me, yes or no,  none of this "faint pink line" business! Don't they know we crazy women can make anything arguable into a positive? It's too much of a mind game. Next, I look for accuracy. I am amazed how accurate they truly are. In my search for the best test, I have found Clearblue to be the best. It pops up quick, easing the torture of the "what does it say?!" scariness. I've heard EPT is also a good brand but I had a bad experience with a test not working and then I was all pissed because I spent ten dollars on it. I like the Clearblue packs with multiple tests in it so when the time comes to be psycho and test way too early and every day, I'm ready!  As most of you may already know, here's the skinny on testing early. You can test up to 4 days before you're period is supposed to start. It's possible to get a positive, but your chances of accur...

My thoughts on if I'm pregnant change daily. Some days I feel off and think it might have worked. Other days I'm convinced it's all in my head and that it didn't.  I've been feeling pretty emotional lately and not the PMS kind. I just feel easily weepy. The other day I got overcome with emotion about just how much I love my dog. Then every time I imagine a positive pregnancy test, there are tears streaming down my face. I can't tell if I just really love my dog and want a child or if it's exaggerated. I know I'm a pretty emotional girl so I'm not sure on that one. I also am aware that women can actually manifest symptoms.  I also have been light headed a lot and for long periods of time. Real or not real? THAT is the question! Also, I am excited to say that I am cramping! Yay! Why is this good, you ask? Because 8-10 days after fertilization, a woman may feel the implantation of the embryo implanting into the uterine wall. It usually last 1-2 days. I ...

I got my progesterone levels back and they are a little bit low. A woman needs to sustain a progesterone level of 10 or higher for an embryo to survive and mine is 9.3. The nurse immediately ordered me a prescription of 200 mg of Progesterone so my levels will rise if I am indeed pregnant.  I admit I was a little bit down because a high number would be much better news and somewhat indicative of a pregnancy. But my nurse told me not to be too concerned and low levels are not indicative of a pregnancy not taking.  I started taking the progesterone last night and so far there have been no side effects. 

Today I took a blood test to test my progesterone level. Now I'm still learning but from what I understand and have read, your progesterone level increases after ovulation. The object of the test is to make sure I'm ovulating. It was interesting looking at the research numbers. They rapidly rise in the duration of pregnancy, so if my level is high, it is POSSIBLE I am pregnant! A woman needs a level of 10 or higher to maintain a pregnancy. If my level is below 10, it is likely that I have not ovulated. However, it is possible to still be pregnant with low levels. If that were the case, my doctor would write me a prescription for progesterone to increase it. I am glad that she is monitoring me closely.  Here is a groovy graph for your enjoyment. You're welcome :0) I find out tomorrow what my level is! I'm going for high! Goooooo progesterone!!!!!!

I am a member of a single mother's by choice support group and it is a spectacular group filled with extraordinary women with the same desires to have children, with or without a husband. I am blown away by how much we understand each other, it's the ultimate bond. We grow to love each other's children and dream of our future children growing up together. It's so comforting to have that kind of support. I am so very blessed. Today I hosted our monthly party at my apartment-we had a Fiesta! It was great seeing everyone.  Today I am not feeling so hot. I didn't get much sleep last night and I had a headache all morning and have been mildly depressed all day. I have NO idea why, everything is going great. I also skipped dinner tonight-nothing sounded good and I'm going to go to bed really early. I even had a nap but am still so exhausted. Everything feels like a blur.  I would get excited about this thinking it could be a pregnancy symptom but I think it's too...

This week has been big! On Thursday, I went in for my sonogram to see how big the egg was. My ovulation predictor kit said I was at peak ovulation, meaning my egg was going to be releasing soon so I was expecting it to either have been released or about to. Sure enough, it was grown to full size (goooo egg!) and was already in place to release. That means we timed it perfectly! My doctor said it was ready to go and we needed to do the 1st IUI. I saw the vial of sperm and holy crap that was the tiniest 750$ I ever spent! Anyway, the procedure went well, but it wasn't pleasant. The first part felt like a pap but then she had to dilate my cervix and there was some clamping and pinching going on and that was awful. It felt like someone was punching me in the lower stomach, but from the inside. Ouch! As soon as she clamped, I got this huge wave of nausea and felt like I was going to throw up. Then she did the sperm injection, that also was not pleasant. I felt all of it and it again mad...

This morning I had my sonogram! I got there around 7:30am and got checked in. Once we were starting, I was laughing because as you lean back in the stirrups, you notice a sign on the ceiling that says "I HATE THIS!" And of course you don't notice it until you're on your back. Ha! Anyway, she gave me the "Are you SURE" talk and I got off pretty easy because I have heard many women have to go through a psych evaluation before they will be allowed to do an IUI being single. I find this a bit amusing considering drug using irresponsible people who accidentally get knocked up DON'T have to do this, but hey, it's whatever. Once she finished the talk, we got started. Everything looked great! I was worried she would find a problem but she said the lining of the uterus is perfect and we found one egg on the left ovary. It was very small in size so she said it will need a few days to grow to be full in size. She said she might give me the HCG trigger shot on...

Tomorrow morning I have my first appointment for making a baby. I can't believe it! I've worked all summer to be able to pay for it, I've been dreaming of it for so long and now it's happening! It's so surreal. I pray all looks well on the sonogram so we can proceed with the IUI. I will keep y'all posted! *Prayers!*

About three hours after my last depressing post, I started!! HORRAY!!! This means I can start the process immediately. I have my first sonogram scheduled for August 12th at 7:45am. They want me to have the tank sent to the doctor's office by then in case they want to do an IUI that day, but it will most likely be the next day. My doctor decided not to put me on Clomid. I'm a little concerned about this but I am young, so I'm hoping my eggs will do their job. I'm very interested to hear how I look on the inside. :0) It's happening!!!! :0) :0) :0)

Well, the emotional roller coaster has already begun. I was supposed to start the insemination process late last week, but my period never came so I was never able to begin. I am VERY upset about this because this has never happened to me before and of course it has to happen when I need it to the most.  There are a couple reasons I may have missed:  1) STRESS: My mom just had a total foot reconstruction surgery and I am taking care of her by myself.  I don't feel stressed, I'm happy to help, but maybe I am, who knows. 2) CHANGE IN DIET: I have switched to really healthy eating and have dropped about 7 lbs.  I've also been having lower abdominal cramps for about two weeks straight. I'm going to call my doctor in the morning and see if we can get a sonogram to see what's going on.  I'm sad that my excitement is now replaced with worry and frustration. It's a wakeup call of just how emotional this process is going to be. A few tears have been shed so far ...