Update
Last week I finished my 3rd try and did not produce a pregnancy. I pretty much knew when I started feeling PMS symptoms. It really is amazing how well a woman knows her body.
Attempting my 4th try, I am changed. I'm realizing that this is not turning out how I planned. I always assumed it would work right away because I'm young, regular and SOMETHING has to go my way, right? Well, now I see that I was naïve. The more and more research I do, it's a wonder that anyone gets pregnant. It really does have to be PERFECT conditions. An outstanding egg, at an outstanding time, with an outstanding sperm. If one of those is not present, it won't ever work. It still blows my mind that tens of millions of sperm are inserted directly into my uterus and won't fertilize. Wow.
Yesterday I went to my Dr's office to discuss a plan for the next cycle. We talked for a really long time. He was wonderful. He asked me how I was feeling and I told him how defeated I'm feeling and asked if I should be worried if there is a problem. He really doesn't think there is one. He believes that IUI's should work within six cycles. He also presented the idea of IVF to me and we talked for awhile about appropriateness of IVF for a 32 year old. He thinks it WOULD be appropriate, but is happy to continue doing IUI's. For those who don't know, IVF stands for In Vitro Fertilization. It's the procedure where they retrieve your best eggs, fertilize them with sperm and then put them back in you, hoping they implant into the uterus.
I have mixed feelings about IVF. It's more aggressive in the sense that it would increase my chances of getting pregnant the first time. BUT-it's expensive. Really expensive. He made a great point that I have already spent the amount of one IVF on 3 failed IUI's. Very good point. So it's something to consider. Right now I'm continuing with IUI's for now. I'm going to think on this some more. I will be honest in the sense that if I go to IVF, I can't help but feel like I've failed. My body didn't produce a pregnancy naturally, and that makes me really sad. I was surprised at this emotion, but it's a pretty strong silence. I felt like I grew up 10 years when it was time to start making the big decisions.
We then discussed Clomid. Last month I was on 50MG and produced 1 good egg and 3 baby eggs that wouldn't work. We had a long discussion about the pros and cons of upping the dosage. Pros: you get more eggs. Cons: You could get a lot of eggs. This seems great, and is, but fertilization is such a numbers game and you never know what's going to happen. I could release 3 great eggs in hopes of one fertilizing. Let's say 2 fertilize. I have twins. Then let's say one splits, now I have triplets. And that's from only two fertilizing. So now I have three and now they are at risk and I'm scared out of my mind. Then selective reduction comes into play. It's just a really big decision. I still am trying to wrap my mind around all of this. It's just so heavy.
We decided to go with one insemination this month, and he left the upping the dosage decision up to me. Talk about being an adult. I sat in silence for about one whole minute, pondering the bigness of this decision. Playing out different scenerios in my head, hoping the right decision would stick out to me. I ended up going with the upper dosage. I'm now on 100MG of Clomid. We have no idea how many eggs this is going to produce. I have my day 12 sonogram not this Sunday, but next and we are going to take a look. There are ways to control what eggs get released if I produce too many. I'm going to go ahead and order my trigger shot and bring it to the day 12 sono in case he wants to trigger me. Then my IUI should be the next day, that Monday.
I have so many thoughts about where I am now. I do believe that a child will mean even more to me now that I've struggled, but I can't help but be scared out of my mind that there's a problem. I pray to GOD that there is not, I'm meant to be a mother and I can't think of anything more devastating. I'm going to try not to worry just yet. My doctor believes this process should work within 6 cycles and I'm starting cycle 4. I'm going to give it more time. He says everything looks GREAT and doesn't think my tubes are blocked. If cycle 4 doesn't work, it might be worth doing the ink dye test just to be sure, and I'm sure he will agree.
I have a consult set up in 2 weeks with a specialist. This is not to jump right in, in fact the more I think about it, the more I think I want to give my doctor the 6 months to try. I LOVE my Doctor, he is amazing and I'd like to stay with him until his timeline of success is over. I want to talk to the specialist about different testing they offer and appropriate plans of action for me if I continue to be unsuccessful.
Ya know, I've been though a lot in my life, but I can honestly say that yesterday's talk with my doctor was probably the most serious conversation I've ever had. I want to put myself in a situation where I have one healthy baby that can lead a full and happy life with no health problems. But I also want to put myself in a situation that will actually get me pregnant. Where's the happy medium? You never know what you're going to get with a numbers game. Science is a bitch.
Attempting my 4th try, I am changed. I'm realizing that this is not turning out how I planned. I always assumed it would work right away because I'm young, regular and SOMETHING has to go my way, right? Well, now I see that I was naïve. The more and more research I do, it's a wonder that anyone gets pregnant. It really does have to be PERFECT conditions. An outstanding egg, at an outstanding time, with an outstanding sperm. If one of those is not present, it won't ever work. It still blows my mind that tens of millions of sperm are inserted directly into my uterus and won't fertilize. Wow.
Yesterday I went to my Dr's office to discuss a plan for the next cycle. We talked for a really long time. He was wonderful. He asked me how I was feeling and I told him how defeated I'm feeling and asked if I should be worried if there is a problem. He really doesn't think there is one. He believes that IUI's should work within six cycles. He also presented the idea of IVF to me and we talked for awhile about appropriateness of IVF for a 32 year old. He thinks it WOULD be appropriate, but is happy to continue doing IUI's. For those who don't know, IVF stands for In Vitro Fertilization. It's the procedure where they retrieve your best eggs, fertilize them with sperm and then put them back in you, hoping they implant into the uterus.
I have mixed feelings about IVF. It's more aggressive in the sense that it would increase my chances of getting pregnant the first time. BUT-it's expensive. Really expensive. He made a great point that I have already spent the amount of one IVF on 3 failed IUI's. Very good point. So it's something to consider. Right now I'm continuing with IUI's for now. I'm going to think on this some more. I will be honest in the sense that if I go to IVF, I can't help but feel like I've failed. My body didn't produce a pregnancy naturally, and that makes me really sad. I was surprised at this emotion, but it's a pretty strong silence. I felt like I grew up 10 years when it was time to start making the big decisions.
We then discussed Clomid. Last month I was on 50MG and produced 1 good egg and 3 baby eggs that wouldn't work. We had a long discussion about the pros and cons of upping the dosage. Pros: you get more eggs. Cons: You could get a lot of eggs. This seems great, and is, but fertilization is such a numbers game and you never know what's going to happen. I could release 3 great eggs in hopes of one fertilizing. Let's say 2 fertilize. I have twins. Then let's say one splits, now I have triplets. And that's from only two fertilizing. So now I have three and now they are at risk and I'm scared out of my mind. Then selective reduction comes into play. It's just a really big decision. I still am trying to wrap my mind around all of this. It's just so heavy.
We decided to go with one insemination this month, and he left the upping the dosage decision up to me. Talk about being an adult. I sat in silence for about one whole minute, pondering the bigness of this decision. Playing out different scenerios in my head, hoping the right decision would stick out to me. I ended up going with the upper dosage. I'm now on 100MG of Clomid. We have no idea how many eggs this is going to produce. I have my day 12 sonogram not this Sunday, but next and we are going to take a look. There are ways to control what eggs get released if I produce too many. I'm going to go ahead and order my trigger shot and bring it to the day 12 sono in case he wants to trigger me. Then my IUI should be the next day, that Monday.
I have so many thoughts about where I am now. I do believe that a child will mean even more to me now that I've struggled, but I can't help but be scared out of my mind that there's a problem. I pray to GOD that there is not, I'm meant to be a mother and I can't think of anything more devastating. I'm going to try not to worry just yet. My doctor believes this process should work within 6 cycles and I'm starting cycle 4. I'm going to give it more time. He says everything looks GREAT and doesn't think my tubes are blocked. If cycle 4 doesn't work, it might be worth doing the ink dye test just to be sure, and I'm sure he will agree.
I have a consult set up in 2 weeks with a specialist. This is not to jump right in, in fact the more I think about it, the more I think I want to give my doctor the 6 months to try. I LOVE my Doctor, he is amazing and I'd like to stay with him until his timeline of success is over. I want to talk to the specialist about different testing they offer and appropriate plans of action for me if I continue to be unsuccessful.
Ya know, I've been though a lot in my life, but I can honestly say that yesterday's talk with my doctor was probably the most serious conversation I've ever had. I want to put myself in a situation where I have one healthy baby that can lead a full and happy life with no health problems. But I also want to put myself in a situation that will actually get me pregnant. Where's the happy medium? You never know what you're going to get with a numbers game. Science is a bitch.
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